Once again the urge to put in writing what I have been experiencing of late has overtaken me. It is not clear at this point exactly which direction I will be taking, and so the last thing I will do is title this post.
I think I need to say that I am a bit surprised at the response of people to my reaction to the serious decline in Monty's health. Some seem to be worried that I am not dealing with my emotions honestly and am stuffing. However, the opposite is true. In fact, it has been our mode of communication pretty much the whole of our 44 years of marriage to talk openly and bluntly about our circumstances, no matter how difficult it might be.
As many of you know, Monty had a serious heart attack, with 6 other heart events in the following days almost three years ago. (Feb 27-Mar 11, 2008 - see previous posts for details.) Since that time we have been so blessed by God's grace in allowing us to do some amazing things: hike up and repel down a cliff, hike throughout the Tetons in Jackson, WY, Yellowstone, and even take a trip to Spain. In and around all of this also have been frequent trips to the Heart Hospital because of various setbacks and crises that needed one procedure or another(14 times). And through all of this, we have both accepted the fact that God is sovereign over the day of our death as much as the day of our birth.
Well, back to the issue at hand................we are in the Heart Hospital once again (the 15th time). His health was declining rapidly in recent weeks and more specifically in the past 7-10 days before we came in here on Thursday (Jan.6). He had admitted to me that he felt like his life was on a rheostat and that someone was turning the lights off.................that his life was just being drained out of him. It was not only his own observation of how he felt, but all of us around him saw the visual manifestations of his deterioration.
When people would ask me how I was doing, some would have a look of disbelief when I said "I am fine, doing very well!" It was as though they think I am in denial of our situation and how serious it is. [A friend (who believes me) recently asked me what kind of response I get from people when I tell them that.] But, the reality is that I am exactly as I should be after walking intimately with Jesus for nearly 50 years. Throughout these years, confidence in Him grew such that “we do not live in dread nor fear bad news, for we know that our Jehovah will take care of us.” (Psa 112:7)
And, in fact, Monty loves to take every opportunity the LORD gives him to tell others that he does not fear death but actually looks forward to what the LORD has in store for him. His confidence is in all that Jesus has done for him, in him and through him. And that sometimes takes some doctors aback!! I admire so much Monty's integrity and openness to talk with me about our situation and all that is happening to me as it happens to him. I have a friend whose husband has had multiple physical changes that have deteriorated his capacity to function in many ways, which has been hard enough. But the worst part for her has been that he doesn't communicate with her about it all.
Today when he was sleeping the chaplain came and visited with me about his situation and how I was doing, counseling me to be sure to take care of myself and not be afraid to cry or show emotions (which I interpreted to mean breakdown whenever someone talks to me about his dying.) Well, after I went back in my ancient history and shared with her how God has prepared me for such a time as this throughout my life, holding Monty, our children, our grandchildren with an open hand…………..so that He doesn’t have to pry my fingers open to release them. I sensed that she doubted at first that I really had a handle on the reality of the seriousness of all of this……………..but by the time she left, God had allowed me the privilege of sharing with her my confidence in him. So, tapping my arm gently as she was leaving, she added that she thought I would be fine.
That was well and good, but my assurance and peace and joy do not come from the affirmations of others. It comes from years of believing and living Pr 3:5&6.
Today I read in My Utmost For His Highest, by Oswald Chambers: “It is a joy to Jesus when a disciple takes time to step more intimately with Him………… When once we get intimate with Jesus we are never lonely, we never need sympathy, we can pour out all the time without being pathetic. The saint who is intimate with Jesus will never leave impressions of himself, but only the impression that Jesus is having unhindered way, because the last abyss of his nature has been satisfied by Jesus. The only impression left by such a life is that of the strong calm sanity that Our LORD gives to those who are intimate with Him.”
I am “trusting in the LORD with ALL my heart and not leaning on my own understanding; in all my ways, I am acknowledging Him (making Christ known). And He is directing my steps.”
